Bi-Curious George Read online

  This is George.

  He lived in the jungle.

  He was a straight little monkey but always very . . . curious.

  One day George saw a man.

  He had on a sassy purple beret.

  And George got excited, despite himself.

  The man saw George too.

  “I’m always in the mood for some hot monkey love,” he thought.

  “I would like to take him home with me.”

  He put his beret on the ground, and, of course, George couldn’t help himself.

  He came down from the tree to verify there was a real designer label inside the jaunty purple chapeau.

  The man had looked so sexy in the beret.

  George wanted to be sexy too.

  He picked it up and put it on.

  He felt gayer already.

  The beret still smelled of the man’s cologne.

  George closed his eyes to bask in the thick cloud of man stank.

  The man picked him up quickly and popped him into his shoulder bag.

  “It’s a man-purse,” said the man.

  George was caught. And a little excited.

  The man with the sassy purple beret put George into a little boat with a strapping young lad who rowed them to a big ship.

  “Hello, sailor!” thought George.

  He was sad to be leaving his home, but he was still a little . . . curious.

  On the big ship, the man took George out of his murse.

  “Finally,” thought George.

  “I’m not a fucking Chihuahua.”

  “George, I was once like you. And now I am here to help you,” said the man. “I am going to take you to a big club in the city called The Zoo. I have a feeling you will like it there. A lot. You will also enjoy this special cruise we are on. Now run along and play. But don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

  George promised to be good.

  But it is easy for horny little monkeys to forget.

  On the deck he found some oiled-up men dancing and drinking.

  He wondered how they could do so many of these things called “body shots.”

  He was very curious.

  Finally he HAD to try.

  It looked easy. But--

  oh, what happened!

  First this--

  and then this!

  “WHERE IS GEORGE?” yelled every able-bodied seaman.

  “Seaman,” George giggled between his dry heaves.

  At last they saw him trying to make himself puke, and almost all tired out.

  “He’s on his knees!” cried one sailor.

  “But not in a good way!” cried another.

  They picked him up. One held his hair, while the other rubbed his back.

  “Best! Night! Ever!” thought George through all his tears and snot.

  And at last he got it all out of his system.

  At last, the long trip was over.

  “That was the gayest cruise in history,” thought George.

  “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” said the man.

  George and the man with the sassy purple beret walked down the gangbang--

  “GangPLANK,” corrected the man--

  and on to the man’s impeccably decorated loft in the trendiest part of the city.

  After a light vegan supper and a smoke of something George quickly realized was not tobacco, George finally felt relaxed and ready to make it happen.

  He crawled into the man’s bed to wait for him.

  But the man never came.

  So neither did George.

  The next morning George woke up alone and upset.

  But you just can’t stay angry with a man who wears the same purple outfit every day.

  The man telephoned The Zoo.

  “Whose list are you on?” they asked.

  “I’m with the DJ,” said the man with a confident wink and a smile.

  George was so turned on.

  But the man went away again.

  George was lonely.

  If the man could find gay love on the telephone, so could George.

  But who to call?

  George thought and thought.

  Then he started dialing.

  DING-A-LING-A-LING!

  went the phone at the fire station.

  The firemen rushed to the telephone.

  “Hello! Hello!” they said.

  But George did not answer them.

  “Don’t worry, we’re coming!” they yelled.

  “You sure will be!” thought George.

  He could picture them racing over and was so excited. This was the perfect plan.

  Firemen were even sexier than sailors!

  The firemen rushed through the door.

  “WHERE IS THE FIRE?!” they cried.

  “In my pants!” George was going to say.

  But he stopped himself--

  these firemen weren’t sexy at all!

  They were old and had big bellies.

  Where were all the hunky firemen???

  George feared that his wall calendars had been lying to him all these years.

  The firemen were very upset that there was no fire.

  “Catch that gay little monkey!” they cried.

  “Hey, relax with the labeling!” thought George as he tried to run away.

  He almost made it, but he tripped over one man’s clogs, and---

  two firemen grabbed George’s arms and took him to prison.

  “You’re not even going to use handcuffs?” thought George. “How disappointing.”

  George had heard stories about what happens in prison.

  Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

  But they put him in a cell all by himself.

  No tatted up cellmates. No group showers.

  Prison sucked. George was bummed.

  George finally got excited when the gruff watchman burst into his cell.

  But real-life prison guards were even less sexy than real-life firemen!

  George was not interested.

  “My first time will not be with THIS guy,” thought George.

  “That would be just embarrassing.”

  George outsmarted the watchman and escaped!

  Back out in the West Village George saw a couple of guys buy something from a man on a street corner.

  Whatever it was made them VERY happy.

  George was curious.

  He felt he MUST have one too.

  He reached over and tried to swipe one for himself, but---

  Instead of one tab, he accidentally took them all!

  “I’m going to kill you, you fucking gay monkey!” cried the drug dealer.

  “Hey! I’m just bi-curious!” George tried to yell as he made his escape.

  But it was too late.

  George was too far gone.

  George felt like he was floating.

  Up, up, higher and higher, way above the city.

  The people looked like ants.

  And he really wanted to give them all massages for some reason.

  George was frightened and confused.

  But he’d never felt freer.

  At first, George’s trip was awesome.

  But then he started coming down.

  And he was suddenly very tired.

  When he came to, he found he had climbed a traffic light.

  Traffic was all mixed up, and people were threatening to kick his ass.

  “Hate crime!” thought George.

  But before he could blow his rape whistle, he heard someone call,

  “GEORGE! YOU SEXY LITTLE BITCH!”

  He looked down and saw his friend, the man with the sassy purple beret!

  George was very happy to see the man!

&n
bsp; He jumped into his arms, and the man paid the drug dealer.

  “It’s a good thing your sugar daddy has mad cash,” said the dealer.

  “It sure is,” thought George, snuggling close to the man.

  And then George and the man climbed into the man’s yellow Miata and at last, away they went

  to The Zoo!

  What a nice place for George to finally experience some much needed guy-on-guy action!

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  Bi-Curious George: An Unauthorized Parody

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  10-Digit ISBN: 1-60433-283-2

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  First Edition

  Contents

  Bi-Curious George

  About Cider Mill Press Book Publishers

 

 

  Andrew Simonian, Bi-Curious George

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